Maybe.

Maybe it's not always about trying to fix something broken.
Maybe it's about starting over and creating something better.
Maybe it's about learning to accept the past, no matter how hard it may seem.
Maybe it's about forgiving, but also about forgetting.

Maybe it's about cherishing the memories, but not dwelling on them.
Maybe it's about learning how to not feel anything whatsoever for you.
Maybe it's about erasing all the regret and guilt and shame.
Maybe it's about being strong, overcoming all obstacles simply because you need to.

Maybe it's not about you anymore.
Maybe, for once, it's about me.
Maybe this is how I'll finally heal.
Maybe, just... maybe.


Bri.

Infinite.

The best present is the smile you gave to me, I wear it all the time.
When I look back on the past, all the memories we have created.
I can't help but get creases in my cheeks.
It's instantaneous. Inevitable.
A knee-jerk reaction.

Every minute of every hour of every day spent with you, was special.
And I could never regret it.
Not even for a second.
So don't think that I don't hate the way things are now.

I regret the mistakes we both made.
Because we BOTH made them.
I regret giving up so easily.
Choosing my pride over you.
I regret losing you.
Losing a little sliver of myself along with it.

And I know that things are bad.
And I know that we will never, ever be the same.
And I know that we need to move on.

But I'll hold on to that smile.
Those memories you gave to me.
Because they're precious.
Just like you.
I'll cling to us, even if it's just a ghost.

I'll remember you.
I'll love you.
I'll always be here for you.
Always.

When I'm grown, and out of this school, and out of Manteca.
I'll look back.
Remember what we had.

And I'll smile.

:)

Bri.

Smiles.

It's amazing that something so tiny can affect me in such a huge way.
Two smiles.
17 muscles, coming to a total of 34.
Both shook me.
Both made me feel emotions I can't really explain.

Your smile.
Felt forced.
Didn't smile out of friendliness, happiness.
You smiled because you felt obligated.
Because we've been through so much
and now that we're over you need to be polite.
Your smile, was fake.
Just like you.

Your smile, on the other hand.
Felt real.
Your smile was genuine, completely, 100 percent.
Real.
Smiled because you like me, care about me.
Smiled because you wanted to.
Your smile told me that this connection, it's real.
I can trust it.

Your smile made me hate you all over again.
Your smile made me like you even more.
Your smile made those other 43 muscles appear.
Your smile made those 17 muscles form.

I'm not going to let your fake, plastic, lie of a smile get to me.
I'm going to be happy with the true smiles I receive.

As they say, it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile.

And this time around, I choose to smile.

:)

Bri.

Butterflies.

It feels like a butterfly inside your brain.
Fluttering its delicate wings, tickling the cerebellum.
Making you laugh, or smile so much it leaves creases in your cheeks.

It's like rain, falling in reverse.
Completely hypnotizing. You can't tear yourself away.
Can't focus on anything.
Besides the tingling sensations tucked away inside the nooks and crannies of your brain, of your heart.

It's like floating.
Balancing in midair, waiting to crash but never wanting to.
Being high.
Even when you're not.
You are.
Consumed by it.

That's what it's like when I think of you.

Bri.

Looking forward, not back.

I am done trying to change the past.
Fix things that are broken beyond repair.
Apologize for things that can't be forgiven.

I am moving forward.
I am letting go.
I am bigger and better than this.
And it's time that I take another step forward, rather than two steps back.

For so long I have obsessed with the 'what if's'.
What if I had said or done this?
What if I had acted this way?
What if I had followed your advice?

But looking back on the past, and only focusing on what could have been rather than what is...
That's no way to live.

I'm here.
In the present.
Right now.
This is the way things are.
And the only way they will ever change is if I make the effort to change it NOW.
Not try and change the past.

They died.
You left.
We fell apart.

That's okay, because that's in the past. It's here, I can't rewrite what's already been tattooed in ink.

All I can do, is move forward. Be happy now, plan for the future, and live every moment I have without regret.

Bri.

Done.

I can't trust anyone anymore.
The people I love more than anything continue to turn on me.
Continuously hurting me, and insulting me, and abandoning me.
And it hurts.
It really fucking hurts.
I feel like I have nowhere left to turn.
I try to open up, let them in, let them know exactly what's going on in my life. Exactly how I'm feeling.
And then they shut me down. Tell me I'm stupid. I'm overreacting. I'm worthless.

I'm done opening myself up to people.
All they do is let me down.
Prove to me that I really can't trust them.

I'm done trying to make everyone happy.
Trying to be perfect.
Do everything right.

I'm done trying to fix things.
Make you see that we can work things out.
When we really can't.

I'm done trying to have a relationship with you.
Prove how much I love you.
When you clearly want nothing to do with me.

I'm just... done.


Bri