Unapologetic.

I'm tired of apologizing.
I'm tired of trying to prove myself to you.

I'm not sorry.
Not the slightest bit.

I'm not sorry for being who I am.
I'm not sorry for trying to save you the regret.
I'm not sorry for the fights, or the tears, or the things left unsaid.
I'm not sorry for being there for you, even though you were never there for me.
I'm not sorry for voicing my opinion, even if you didn't want to hear it.
I'm not sorry for moving on.
I'm not sorry for letting you go.
I'm not sorry for hating you now.

I am not sorry.

Because this is just as much your fault as it is mine.



Bri.

Infested.

It's like sinking. Quicksand. A gradual deterioration. Of body and mind.
It's like a roller coaster. Rising, flying high. On top of the universe.
Pulsing up the slope. Going higher & higher. Above everything.
You can recognize yourself in the distance. Waving.
A sharp turn. Down you plummet. Facing the monster.
Waiting to greet it.
It'll eat you whole.

Swerve. Crash. Boom.

Fingernails. Dirty, caked with grime. Scratching at your flesh. Covered in holes from the hits.
Bugs swarm. Underneath your skin. Crawling. Creeping. Hunting for food.
Injection. Shoots like a speeding bullet, swimming swiftly through your veins.
Racing in close caverns like a rabies-infested rat. The high hits you. Smacks you.

You gorge on the high. On the sensation that has taken your body captive.
You open your gluttonous mouth. Let out a shrill, shattering shriek.

The monster has won.
You. Are. Defeated.

Wishing.

I wish that you could accept me for who I am.
I wish you could realize that you're being incredibly naive.
I wish you'd never become this stranger I hardly recognize and remain my brother and best friend.
I wish you could see that you slowly killing yourself is also killing me.
I wish you would apologize for what you did and how you've altered my life forever.
I wish you weren't so selfish and conceited.
I wish that we'd never drifted apart.



I wish I could be the daughter you admire and respect.
I wish I could become more like the person you want me to be.
I wish I could deal with who you are now.
I wish I could accept your addiction.
I wish I could say that I love you, even though I really don't.
I wish I could have helped you become a better person.
I wish I could have saved us from falling apart.

I wish. I wish. I wish.

Bri

Faith.

Believing in God is enough for me. I whole-heartedly believe that there is a God, a Heaven, a life after death. And that's all.

I don't need to be a part of a religion in order to have faith. I don't need to go to church in order to prove my beliefs. My faith is, and always has existed. It is a rock. So why does everyone expect me to prove myself?

I was baptized Mormon. And for most of my childhood, I went to church every Sunday, attended Primary classes, and even had home teachers visit me. But I never did that because I really wanted to. I did it because that was what was expected of me.

Now that I am older and can make my own decisions, I realize that religion just isn't for me. And that should be okay. I don't worship the Devil, and I'm not an atheist. I still believe in God. So why do you talk to me like I am doing something wrong?

I'm the same girl I was back then, I've just grown up and realized different ways of thinking. I'm doing what is best for me and my life.

I don't need a religion to have faith. I believe in God, and that should be enough for you. Because it is for me.



Bri.

25 random facts about me :)

1. I don't like ice cream
2. My brothers and I all have names that start with 'Br'.
3. I hate texting and talking on the phone.
4. I've had 4 dogs, 1 guinea pig, 2 frogs, and about 4 fish in my life.
5. I won a writing contest held by my favorite author and was sent a free copy of her latest book.
6. I won first place in an essay contest in 4th grade.
7. I'm not really shy or quiet once you get to know me.
8. I am going on a road trip next summer.
9. I have been going to Disneyland since I was about 3.
10. My 3rd grade teacher asked me to give the class a spelling test so she wouldn't have to do it.
11. When I'm bored I like to play online games and put my iTunes on shuffle and sing along.
12. I love playing board games and card games with my family.
13. I enjoy buying and applying makeup.
14. I've had asthma for nearly my entire life.
15. I have never broken a bone or been stung by a bee... yet.
16. I took ballet and tap dance classes for about 5 years.
17. I have the autographs of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.
18. My cousin and I hated each other when we were little, now we are best friends.
19. My favorite restaurants are Olive Garden and Waffle Shop.
20. My seventeenth birthday is September 20th (this Monday) ;)
21. My first concert was American Idol Season 7 in Sacramento on July 9th, 2008.
22. My bedroom has a Paris theme.
23. I have lived in the same house my entire life.
24. The first "book" I ever wrote was about Barbie.
25. I love Creative Writing :)

Your turn.

Bri.

Reckless.

I think too much. And I need to stop. All my life I've always been the type of person who thinks about everything. And by everything, I really mean EVERYTHING. I think about consequences, and hidden messages, overanalyzing every little thing. Never letting anything just... be. I've always been the worrier, the "voice of reason", the sensible one.

But now, I don't want to always be that way. Sometimes, I just want to do something simply because I want to. Even if it isn't necessarily the best choice. I want to start relying more on my heart, rather than my head. Take risks, do things I shouldn't do, just have fun.

My parents are extremely overprotective, and I've been the good little girl for forever. Doing what I'm supposed to do, never breaking the rules. Do well in school, do chores. I'm almost seventeen and I still have a 10:30 bedtime. But the cage I'm stuck in is starting to get to me. And all I want to do is spread my wings. Just a little bit. I want the perfect balance.

Take some risks, be a little bad. But don't lose sight of my mind and my good judgment.

That's all I really want.

A little rebellion.




Bri

Happy.

Flipping through the notebooks, the pictures, the mementos I've kept. They take me back to that time. When all I cared about was being happy. Being with friends and having the time of my life. Trying things I'd never done before, being someone completely new.

I'm not that girl anymore. I'm not the girl who desperately wants to fit in, who cares so much about being accepted by others. I'm not the girl who parties, or drinks, or does drugs just for the hell of it. That's not me.  Truth is, it never was me.

I know who I am now. I'm the girl who plans, and worries, and proudly states her opinions. I'm the girl who would rather read or write or be with family, than go to a high school football game. I'm the girl who knows what she wants, and goes after it, no matter what.

Seeing you today, reminded me of those times. Times that I miss, times that I'll remember, but don't wish to go back to. Because, back then, I was happy being someone I'm not.

Seeing you today, made me want to have a friendship with you again. A real one. 

Seeing you today, made me want to be happy like I used to be. But this time, I'll be happy for all the right reasons. :)

Bri