Brianna's Blog

Goodbye.

2011-05-11T17:11:00.000-07:00

Thank you.
Thank you for two years of incredible memories.

Of skilled rap battles.
Of snuggie debates.
Of thought provoking Big Questions.
Of speculations concerning 'The Moffat Man'.
Of a duel over 'Clueless' and 'Tommy Boy'.

Of hilarious anecdotes.
Of personal stories.
Of shared confessions.
Of honest opinions.

Of "horrible" music.
Of "I didn't write on topic"'s.
Of too many swear words.
Of so many creative minds.

Of tears.
Of laughter.
Of friends.
Of family.

Haskalicious, Room 33, Creative Writing classes of 2009-2011,
I love you.
And I will never forget you or the impact you have had on my writing.
On my life.
On me.

Thank you, for everything.

Bri :)

Stunned.

2011-05-04T22:06:00.000-07:00

When I walked back into room 33 this year, I too believed it would be just like last year.
A family.
A home away from home.
I was naive.

Very few people took this class for genuine reasons. For most it was all fake.
An easy A.
A place to talk with their friends.
Purely selfish reasons.

Room 33 has turned into just another class.
A place for people to do the minimum amount of work,
share their writing, and kick back and ignore everyone else.

It literally makes me cringe to see the 'don't give a shit' attitude that some people plaster on their faces like a mask.
They don't care about this class, or the people in it.
Their text, is more important.
Their topic, is easier to write on.
Their conversation, is dire.

Everyone in this class deserves respect. They deserve to be listened to.
I always listen to the stories someone takes the time to write.
I always clap after people are done sharing, even if that means pushing aside my own writing and putting my pen down.
Because that's what families do.

But, then again, we aren't a family.
We're a class.
An easy A.
A cop out.
A disappointment.

Bri.

Prom.

2011-05-01T18:38:00.000-07:00

Dear asshole at prom,

Thanks for leaving your super pointy and sharp lollipop stick on the ground. It totally didn't stab the side of my foot. And my foot totally doesn't hurt now thanks to you.

Sincerely,
Bri.

*Other than that prom was okay. The music they played wasn't really my taste, but overall I'm glad that I went :)

Graduation.

2011-04-26T15:57:00.000-07:00

Thirteen years.
Thirteen years of memories, of laughter, of tears, of hard work.
Thirteen years of broken pencils, of school projects, of lost assignments.
Thirteen years of first kisses, of crushes, of breakups.
Thirteen years of best friends, of enemies, of favorite teachers.
Thirteen years of learning, living, and growing up.

I will never forget those thirteen years.
Of crying silently the first day of kindergarten.
Of meeting my best friend in sixth grade.
Of driving around with my brothers and best friends, listening to 'Jet'.
Of saying goodbye to elementary school on May 29th, 2007.
Of entering high school, expecting it to be more than it turned out to be.
Of abandoning my morals and values when I was a sophomore.
Of losing two important people in my life when I was a junior
Of finding out who I am as a senior.

In one month, these last thirteen years, will be over.
I'll say goodbye to my tidy locker.
To my family in room 33.
To life as I know it.

These thirteen years will be a thing of the past, but I will never forget.

List No. 3

2011-04-19T22:31:00.000-07:00

1. I hate watching sports, mostly because I feel bad for the team that loses.
2. I love makeup (specifically MAC cosmetics) but I hate getting up to put it on for school.
3. I ALWAYS have at least one book with me, there are currently 3 in my purse.
4. I have a bad habit of pursing and licking my lips.
5. I rarely drink soda, pretty much all I drink is water.
6. I hate plain milk and orange juice.
7. When I was little, I used to hide behind the couch at "scary" parts in movies. Like in Matilda when Trunchbull jumped from the second floor to the first floor. Scary!
8. I cry at pretty much any movie: Toy Story 3, Moulin Rouge!, Titanic, even some of the Harry Potter movies.
9. My role models are my parents, Sarra Manning, and J.K. Rowling.
10. I eat cough drops like candy.
11. I love Christmas lights a little too much.
12. I have eight miniature tea sets that belonged to my grandmother.
13. Most of the jewelry I own was once my grandmother's.
14. I loved Billy Gilman songs when I was little. I don't listen to him anymore, but I could probably still sing along with him if you played any of his songs for me.
15. I desperately want my own apartment.
16. I'm very outspoken once you get to know me well enough.
17. I have 5,621 pictures saved on my computer.

Your turn :)

Bri.

Blank.

2011-04-13T21:53:00.000-07:00

I honestly can't think of anything much to blog about.
I'm sleepy and I want to read, so I'm going to post some pictures that I like, I'm becoming obsessed with Tumblr ;)

Now I'm off to read :)

Bri.

Monster.

2011-04-10T18:07:00.000-07:00

You are the big bad wolf.
And I'm clearly little red riding hood.
The dumb, stupid, naive fool who continues to bolt straight to you.
No matter the circumstances.
No matter the consequences.
I skip along, oblivious to the world around me.
You crouch, your sharp claws and ferocious teeth bared.
You're ready to eat me whole.

And I'm letting you.

Bri.

Me.

2011-04-02T00:40:00.000-07:00

1. I sometimes put makeup on at 3 in the morning, even though I'm not going anywhere.
2. Very few people have seen me when my hair is natural and not straightened.
3. I LOVE cleaning my room
4. I quote movies a little bit too often.
5. I've never been camping, but am finally going this Summer :)
6. I dislike meat, but I'm not a vegetarian
7. I'm hardly shy, I'm actually really loud and obnoxious.
8. I consider myself an insomniac... that or a vampire.
9. I spend A LOT of time with my family.
10. My bestest friend is Nicole Leanne Coburn.
11. I feel bad giving away stuffed animals.
12. I recently learned to sew and am now learning to crochet.
13. I desperately want to learn French.
14. My favorite movies are Moulin Rouge, Marie Antoinette, Burlesque, Sucker Punch, and Amelie.
15. My favorite tv shows are Gilmore Girls, Degrassi, Sex and the City, Golden Girls, My Fair Wedding, and Gossip Girl.
16. My favorite author is Sarra Manning.
17. I have a wall in my room dedicated to Audrey Hepburn.
18. I enjoy spending my weekends singing, dancing, and watching movies.
19. My phone is hardly EVER turned on.
20. I prefer older music to new music.
21. I like lists.

Your turn. :)

Bri.

Courage.

2011-03-23T19:36:00.000-07:00

You can knock me down.
You can crush my dreams.
You can taunt and tease.
You can pretend you're the winner.

But you're not.
And I am not your victim.

I will get right back up.
I will venture forward boldly.
I will ignore harsh criticisms.
I will not lose.

I can't.
I refuse to be your victim.

Slam.

2011-03-19T19:19:00.000-07:00

I honestly just love being taken advantage of.
And I love being ignored.
And I love being told to 'Shut up!'
And I love having people bail on me.
And I love going out of my way to be nice to you.
And I love getting my hopes up only to be let down.
And I love getting hurt over and over again.
And I love being a doormat to everyone, even people who don't know me.
And I love making plans only to have them canceled on me.
And I love the fact that you constantly:

Insult,
Harass,
Tease,
Yell,
and,
Hurt me.

But y'know what I love even more than all of that?
The fact that I can choose how to react.
I love screaming until I'm heard.
And I love spitting back, 'No, you shut up!'
And I love putting you in your place.
And I love being a bitch to you when you deserve it.
And I love having the ability to move on.
And I love letting you know exactly how much you've hurt me.
And I love slamming the door in your face, and not being something you can stomp on.
And I love making new plans, ones that don't involve you.
And I love the fact that I will always be:

Stronger,
Kinder,
Sweeter,
Nicer,
and,
Better...

Than you could ever even hope to be.

Bri.

Magic.

2011-03-09T16:16:00.000-08:00

Ever since I can remember, I've been head over heels in love with one place.
Disneyland.
Frequenting it since I was three, I now consider it a second home.
I can spurt out random facts about every ride.
I can show secrets you didn't know existed.
I can spend forever there and never get bored.

Everything about Disneyland, is magical.
Lights sparkle, music swells, souls soar.
Life doesn't seem so complicated when you wander down Main Street.
Balloons sway in the breeze. Sweet aromas fill the air. Smiles and giggles echo everywhere.
You can forget about your worries and your strife and just be happy.

Tomorrow, after school, I'm going home.
Then and there I will:
"Leave today, and enter the world of yesterday, tomorrow, and fantasy."
And once again, I'll be a part of the magic.

Bri.

Everything I'm Not.

2011-03-02T20:02:00.000-08:00

Maybe I am a loner.
Maybe I don't have many friends.
Maybe I am boring and
annoying and
weird.

But it sure is a lot better than what you are.
Which is shallow.
Conceited.
Narcissistic.
Cruel.
Rude.
Inconsiderate.
And so much more.

Maybe I am a "nobody" as you call it.
Maybe I do spend too much time at home and with my family.
Maybe I do prefer books and writing and sewing.
Maybe I am everything you're not.

But I'd rather be a nobody than
A slut.
A party-goer.
A drunk.
A stoner.
A complete and utter mess.

I'd rather be single than fool around with boys who use me for sex.
I'd rather be with my family who loves me than with friends who only like me.
I'd rather be anonymous than someone who people only know because of rumors.
And I'd definitely rather be the person I am than someone like you.

Because you're cold.
And mean.
And hard to be around.

So, go ahead.
Call me whatever you want.
Try and make yourself feel better.

But while I'm off being happy with who I am.
You'll be alone.

Loathing the person you are.

Bri.

Head vs. Heart

2011-02-26T14:18:00.000-08:00

My head knows that this is wrong.
The little voice in the back of my head is constantly there.
Nagging me, warning me, convincing me.
"Don't do this, this is practically suicide. You're just asking for trouble."
And yet, I ignore it.
Every. Single. Time.

My heart wants this more than anything.
The hummingbird heartbeat pounding behind my ribs is constantly there.
Exciting me, worrying me, tricking me.
"You want this, it's worth the pain. You won't regret this."
And my heart wins.
Every. Single. Time.

Bri.

Melancholy.

2011-02-22T22:29:00.000-08:00

I've hated high school from the very first day.
Days were too long, classmates too loud.
All I wanted was to escape, finish as fast as I could & get out.
That's true.

But I can't say that I regret these 4 years here.
Because I don't.
4 years is a long time.
And in those 4 years, growth is inevitable.

I am not the same girl who entered through those green double doors.
4 years ago, I was naive, lost, scared.
I had absolutely no idea who I was or what I wanted.
I was clueless.

Freshmen year taught me not to waste my time on high school boys, they just break your heart.
Sophomore year taught me that it's okay to break rules, just as long as you don't break your beliefs in the process.
Junior year taught me to work hard, and never settle for less than what I deserve.
Senior year is teaching me to accept the past, learn from it, and continue onwards.

I've waited for high school to end from the very first day.
And in 3 more months, it will.
And when it does, I'll have to say goodbye.

To friends.
To favorite teachers.
To crowded school hallways.
To life's simplicity.
To my former self.

Because once I walk through those green double doors for the last time,
my life here, and my life as her.
Will end.

Bri.

Dreams.

2011-02-16T22:40:00.000-08:00

Escape from this dimension and venture into another.
One so mysterious, so enigmatic, so captivating...
That you never want to wake from it.
Dreams.

In dreams, nothing is impossible.
You can fly high above clouds.
You can sink below the depths of the sea.
You can discover your soul mate.
You can bring back the dead.

I dreamt of you.
Out of 6 billion people, I dreamt, of you.
That smile, that laugh, those warm arms.
And for once, everything fit.
Everything fell into place.
You made me feel more alive than I do even when awake.

I was happy, blissfully so.
Surrounded by people I know and love.
Surrounded by you.

My eyes fluttered open.
My ceiling fan's blades circled round and round.
My heart raced with a feeling I've never had.
My mouth was upturned in a euphoric, girlish smile.

It may have only been a dream.
It may have not been true.
It may well be that we will never meet again.
But at least I'll always have this memory.

Bri.

Crushed.

2011-02-09T20:32:00.000-08:00

Don't do this to yourself.
Don't slip now.
Not when you're so close.

Don't fall for it.
Don't let those eyes fool you.
Not this time.

Don't let this one in.
Don't let it get out of control.
Not when you've been hurt so many times before.

I recognize that old familiar feeling.
I remember those butterflies.
I remember that skipping heart.
I remember that uncontrollable smile.
I remember those wishful thoughts.

And all those will do...
Is get your hopes up,
hurt you,
disappoint you.

Don't do this yourself.
I've been down this road before.
And it's a dead end.

Bri.

Lies.

2011-02-02T19:39:00.000-08:00

Your voice: Scratchy like sandpaper, calloused.
That's what is etched in my brain.
Hooked to each dark cavern of memories.
It's the most noticeable.

More shocking than any sight.
More repulsive than any taste.
More poignant than any smell.
More hurtful than any touch.
Anything I've ever experienced.

Because your voice tells the truth.
Even when your words don't.
And I know... that you're lying.
Just like you like always have.

Just like you always will.

Bri.

Paris.

2011-01-25T21:58:00.000-08:00

I've flipped through those crisp white pages.
Allowing the intoxicating imagery to satisfy me.
The scent of fresh baguettes, the feel of cobblestone streets.
The special sparkling lights of the Eiffel Tower.

I've surrounded myself in its art.
My room full to its brim.
A vintage Parisian picture, a metal Eiffel Tower statue.
A black and white photo of the Moulin Rouge.

I've dreamt of my inevitable, someday journey there.
Those hopes, wishes, and dreams quickly becoming goals I must fulfill.
To take dozens of artsy pictures, to see the view from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
To live and experience.

France.
The Eiffel Tower.
The Moulin Rouge.
The Seine River.
The Louvre.
Montmartre.
Notre Dame.

Paris.
The city of lights.
The city of love.
The city of me.

Bri.

Writer.

2011-01-19T22:35:00.000-08:00

"You know you’re a writer if your work clothes are mostly sweat pants and pajamas."-Kathryn Smith

"You know you are a writer if everyone has told you that you’ll never get published and you keep writing."-Julian Padowicz

"You know you’re a writer if you can’t remember some of the plot details of the book you just released because you’re so engrossed in writing the next one."-Chris Knopf

"You know you’re a writer when you walk around in the zone, open to believing that every person is a potential character, and every object suggests a metaphor."-Pegi Deitz Shea

"You know you’re a writer when you are not writing with pen to paper or with fingers to keys, you are writing twenty-four /seven in your brain because everything around you becomes a story."-Donna-Marie Cooper O’Boyle

"You know you’re a writer if your friend tells you a heartbreaking story and your first reaction is – wow, that would make an incredible plot for a novel. You know you’re a smart writer if you manage to keep that reaction to yourself."-MJ Rose

"You know you’re a writer when every moment of every day you turn whatever you are facing at the moment into a short spurt of prose or poetry in your head, including your dreams, and it has become so commonplace that you have stopped writing things down and bemoan the loss of them later as the story or poem idea that would have wowed your readership, as if you had a readership because you are, after all, a writer."-Faith Vicinanza

"You know you are a writer if every overheard remark becomes a beginning of a story, if what you glimpse from the corner of your eye triggers a vignette, if you awake in the morning wondering what the characters in your novel are going to do today, if something you read evokes a memory you can use in your writing, if all of life is about making connections that help you understand who you are, well then, indeed you are a writer!"-Claire Vreeland

Bri.

Insecurities.

2011-01-12T20:40:00.000-08:00

   Impure. Tainted by filthy hands. By harsh words. By the world.
   You're not you anymore.

   Molded into this clay creation. Shape shifter of body & mind.
   Porcelain doll threatening to crack.

   Insecurities running deep in you like a river.
   Wild, strong, never faltering.

   All the way down to the roots.
   The very core of you.

   That's where you're trapped, stuck.
   Asleep inside this tomb of a life.

   Wake up from this fantasy.
   Wake up...

Bri.

Healed.

2010-12-13T22:42:00.000-08:00

Fixed.
It's fixed.
Not broken.
I feel repaired.
I'm once again whole.
The pain has subsided.
The wound has finally healed.
Left just a scar of yesterday.
A faint and unnoticeable scratch.
The injury ran so deep, now it's gone.
You took it's place, now you're here, once again.
I smile a truly true smile.
The old mask now collecting dust.
Now I'm happy, I promise.
I am now complete.
I feel better.
Finally.
I am.
Healed.

Never.

2010-12-07T21:40:00.000-08:00

We all have stories we'll never tell.
Lessons we'll never learn.
People we'll never forget.
People we'll never forgive.
Love we'll never receive.
Love we'll never lose.
Heartaches we'll never heal.
People we'll never get to be.
And lives we'll never, ever get to live.

Bri.

December.

2010-12-01T00:00:00.000-08:00

When everything else perishes, I come to life.
When the world outside freezes, I begin to thaw.
When December arrives, so do I.

Bitter winds slice through empty branches.
Frost blankets every reflective surface.
Snowflakes swirl silently.

Christmas lights twinkle merrily in the pitch black night.
Fresh emerald trees tower over our heads.
Winter wonderlands welcome.

When flowers crumble, I bloom.
When skies become grey, I glow.
When December arrives, so do I.

Snake.

2010-11-17T19:28:00.000-08:00

Your voice, like acid, poisons my ears.
Sending me writhing and contorting on the floor.
You have this effect on me.
I can't control it.
I can't deny it.
I can't argue against it.
It's undeniable.
You are a snake.
Threatening to strike,
to maim,
to kill.
I am your puppet.
Defenseless to your charm,
your charisma,
you.

Bri.

Breakfast at Tiffany's.

2010-11-09T20:54:00.000-08:00

Holly Golightly once said she had the mean reds. The mean reds are horrible.
"Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of."

I feel like Holly.
I'm scared. Terrified.
And I can't pinpoint it to one specific reason.

Maybe it's the future that's looming just in front of me.
Maybe I'm afraid of losing you.
Maybe I'm afraid I'll never be worth anything to you.

But.

The future is going to come whether I like it or not.
I've already lost you, so I can't lose you again.
I'll never be perfect, and that's just a simple fact.

So, what am I afraid of?
Why do I wake up every morning with the "mean reds"?
Why do I carry them in my chest like my nervously beating heart?

I'm not sure.
I'm not sure of anything anymore.
All I know, is that I'm terrified.
And I don't know why.

Bri.

Choices.

2010-11-02T17:25:00.000-07:00

Pulse beats. Erratically. Loudly. Threatening to tear the pasty flesh above.
Sweat drips. Every pore leaks, moistening the skin.
Crouch on the ledge. See the cracks. The crevices breaking the surface.
Only veins of yesterday. Of what was. What used to be.

You. You're faced with a choice.
Sit and stare at the creases of time. Pour over every possible mistake, memory.
Or jump. Free fall, leap off of the cliff.
Move on.
Live or die.
Perish or forgive.

The choice is yours.

Bri.

Maybe.

2010-10-27T19:52:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's not always about trying to fix something broken.
Maybe it's about starting over and creating something better.
Maybe it's about learning to accept the past, no matter how hard it may seem.
Maybe it's about forgiving, but also about forgetting.

Maybe it's about cherishing the memories, but not dwelling on them.
Maybe it's about learning how to not feel anything whatsoever for you.
Maybe it's about erasing all the regret and guilt and shame.
Maybe it's about being strong, overcoming all obstacles simply because you need to.

Maybe it's not about you anymore.
Maybe, for once, it's about me.
Maybe this is how I'll finally heal.
Maybe, just... maybe.

Bri.

Infinite.

2010-10-18T21:16:00.000-07:00

The best present is the smile you gave to me, I wear it all the time.
When I look back on the past, all the memories we have created.
I can't help but get creases in my cheeks.
It's instantaneous. Inevitable.
A knee-jerk reaction.

Every minute of every hour of every day spent with you, was special.
And I could never regret it.
Not even for a second.
So don't think that I don't hate the way things are now.

I regret the mistakes we both made.
Because we BOTH made them.
I regret giving up so easily.
Choosing my pride over you.
I regret losing you.
Losing a little sliver of myself along with it.

And I know that things are bad.
And I know that we will never, ever be the same.
And I know that we need to move on.

But I'll hold on to that smile.
Those memories you gave to me.
Because they're precious.
Just like you.
I'll cling to us, even if it's just a ghost.

I'll remember you.
I'll love you.
I'll always be here for you.
Always.

When I'm grown, and out of this school, and out of Manteca.
I'll look back.
Remember what we had.

And I'll smile.

:)

Bri.

Smiles.

2010-10-12T21:47:00.000-07:00

It's amazing that something so tiny can affect me in such a huge way.
Two smiles.
17 muscles, coming to a total of 34.
Both shook me.
Both made me feel emotions I can't really explain.

Your smile.
Felt forced.
Didn't smile out of friendliness, happiness.
You smiled because you felt obligated.
Because we've been through so much
and now that we're over you need to be polite.
Your smile, was fake.
Just like you.

Your smile, on the other hand.
Felt real.
Your smile was genuine, completely, 100 percent.
Real.
Smiled because you like me, care about me.
Smiled because you wanted to.
Your smile told me that this connection, it's real.
I can trust it.

Your smile made me hate you all over again.
Your smile made me like you even more.
Your smile made those other 43 muscles appear.
Your smile made those 17 muscles form.

I'm not going to let your fake, plastic, lie of a smile get to me.
I'm going to be happy with the true smiles I receive.

As they say, it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile.

And this time around, I choose to smile.

:)

Bri.

Butterflies.

2010-10-07T02:10:00.000-07:00

It feels like a butterfly inside your brain.
Fluttering its delicate wings, tickling the cerebellum.
Making you laugh, or smile so much it leaves creases in your cheeks.

It's like rain, falling in reverse.
Completely hypnotizing. You can't tear yourself away.
Can't focus on anything.
Besides the tingling sensations tucked away inside the nooks and crannies of your brain, of your heart.

It's like floating.
Balancing in midair, waiting to crash but never wanting to.
Being high.
Even when you're not.
You are.
Consumed by it.

That's what it's like when I think of you.

Bri.

Looking forward, not back.

2010-10-05T22:55:00.000-07:00

I am done trying to change the past.
Fix things that are broken beyond repair.
Apologize for things that can't be forgiven.

I am moving forward.
I am letting go.
I am bigger and better than this.
And it's time that I take another step forward, rather than two steps back.

For so long I have obsessed with the 'what if's'.
What if I had said or done this?
What if I had acted this way?
What if I had followed your advice?

But looking back on the past, and only focusing on what could have been rather than what is...
That's no way to live.

I'm here.
In the present.
Right now.
This is the way things are.
And the only way they will ever change is if I make the effort to change it NOW.
Not try and change the past.

They died.
You left.
We fell apart.

That's okay, because that's in the past. It's here, I can't rewrite what's already been tattooed in ink.

All I can do, is move forward. Be happy now, plan for the future, and live every moment I have without regret.

Bri.

Done.

2010-10-01T15:15:00.000-07:00

I can't trust anyone anymore.
The people I love more than anything continue to turn on me.
Continuously hurting me, and insulting me, and abandoning me.
And it hurts.
It really fucking hurts.
I feel like I have nowhere left to turn.
I try to open up, let them in, let them know exactly what's going on in my life. Exactly how I'm feeling.
And then they shut me down. Tell me I'm stupid. I'm overreacting. I'm worthless.

I'm done opening myself up to people.
All they do is let me down.
Prove to me that I really can't trust them.

I'm done trying to make everyone happy.
Trying to be perfect.
Do everything right.

I'm done trying to fix things.
Make you see that we can work things out.
When we really can't.

I'm done trying to have a relationship with you.
Prove how much I love you.
When you clearly want nothing to do with me.

I'm just... done.

Bri

Unapologetic.

2010-09-30T22:49:00.000-07:00

I'm tired of apologizing.
I'm tired of trying to prove myself to you.

I'm not sorry.
Not the slightest bit.

I'm not sorry for being who I am.
I'm not sorry for trying to save you the regret.
I'm not sorry for the fights, or the tears, or the things left unsaid.
I'm not sorry for being there for you, even though you were never there for me.
I'm not sorry for voicing my opinion, even if you didn't want to hear it.
I'm not sorry for moving on.
I'm not sorry for letting you go.
I'm not sorry for hating you now.

I am not sorry.

Because this is just as much your fault as it is mine.

Bri.

Infested.

2010-09-29T20:35:00.000-07:00

It's like sinking. Quicksand. A gradual deterioration. Of body and mind.
It's like a roller coaster. Rising, flying high. On top of the universe.
Pulsing up the slope. Going higher & higher. Above everything.
You can recognize yourself in the distance. Waving.
A sharp turn. Down you plummet. Facing the monster.
Waiting to greet it.
It'll eat you whole.

Swerve. Crash. Boom.

Fingernails. Dirty, caked with grime. Scratching at your flesh. Covered in holes from the hits.
Bugs swarm. Underneath your skin. Crawling. Creeping. Hunting for food.
Injection. Shoots like a speeding bullet, swimming swiftly through your veins.
Racing in close caverns like a rabies-infested rat. The high hits you. Smacks you.

You gorge on the high. On the sensation that has taken your body captive.
You open your gluttonous mouth. Let out a shrill, shattering shriek.

The monster has won.
You. Are. Defeated.

Wishing.

2010-09-25T23:07:00.000-07:00

I wish that you could accept me for who I am.
I wish you could realize that you're being incredibly naive.
I wish you'd never become this stranger I hardly recognize and remain my brother and best friend.
I wish you could see that you slowly killing yourself is also killing me.
I wish you would apologize for what you did and how you've altered my life forever.
I wish you weren't so selfish and conceited.
I wish that we'd never drifted apart.

I wish I could be the daughter you admire and respect.
I wish I could become more like the person you want me to be.
I wish I could deal with who you are now.
I wish I could accept your addiction.
I wish I could say that I love you, even though I really don't.
I wish I could have helped you become a better person.
I wish I could have saved us from falling apart.

I wish. I wish. I wish.

Bri

Faith.

2010-09-22T15:53:00.000-07:00

Believing in God is enough for me. I whole-heartedly believe that there is a God, a Heaven, a life after death. And that's all.

I don't need to be a part of a religion in order to have faith. I don't need to go to church in order to prove my beliefs. My faith is, and always has existed. It is a rock. So why does everyone expect me to prove myself?

I was baptized Mormon. And for most of my childhood, I went to church every Sunday, attended Primary classes, and even had home teachers visit me. But I never did that because I really wanted to. I did it because that was what was expected of me.

Now that I am older and can make my own decisions, I realize that religion just isn't for me. And that should be okay. I don't worship the Devil, and I'm not an atheist. I still believe in God. So why do you talk to me like I am doing something wrong?

I'm the same girl I was back then, I've just grown up and realized different ways of thinking. I'm doing what is best for me and my life.

I don't need a religion to have faith. I believe in God, and that should be enough for you. Because it is for me.

Bri.

25 random facts about me :)

2010-09-15T19:07:00.000-07:00

1. I don't like ice cream
2. My brothers and I all have names that start with 'Br'.
3. I hate texting and talking on the phone.
4. I've had 4 dogs, 1 guinea pig, 2 frogs, and about 4 fish in my life.
5. I won a writing contest held by my favorite author and was sent a free copy of her latest book.
6. I won first place in an essay contest in 4th grade.
7. I'm not really shy or quiet once you get to know me.
8. I am going on a road trip next summer.
9. I have been going to Disneyland since I was about 3.
10. My 3rd grade teacher asked me to give the class a spelling test so she wouldn't have to do it.
11. When I'm bored I like to play online games and put my iTunes on shuffle and sing along.
12. I love playing board games and card games with my family.
13. I enjoy buying and applying makeup.
14. I've had asthma for nearly my entire life.
15. I have never broken a bone or been stung by a bee... yet.
16. I took ballet and tap dance classes for about 5 years.
17. I have the autographs of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.
18. My cousin and I hated each other when we were little, now we are best friends.
19. My favorite restaurants are Olive Garden and Waffle Shop.
20. My seventeenth birthday is September 20th (this Monday) ;)
21. My first concert was American Idol Season 7 in Sacramento on July 9th, 2008.
22. My bedroom has a Paris theme.
23. I have lived in the same house my entire life.
24. The first "book" I ever wrote was about Barbie.
25. I love Creative Writing :)

Your turn.

Bri.

Reckless.

2010-09-05T21:49:00.000-07:00

I think too much. And I need to stop. All my life I've always been the type of person who thinks about everything. And by everything, I really mean EVERYTHING. I think about consequences, and hidden messages, overanalyzing every little thing. Never letting anything just... be. I've always been the worrier, the "voice of reason", the sensible one.

But now, I don't want to always be that way. Sometimes, I just want to do something simply because I want to. Even if it isn't necessarily the best choice. I want to start relying more on my heart, rather than my head. Take risks, do things I shouldn't do, just have fun.

My parents are extremely overprotective, and I've been the good little girl for forever. Doing what I'm supposed to do, never breaking the rules. Do well in school, do chores. I'm almost seventeen and I still have a 10:30 bedtime. But the cage I'm stuck in is starting to get to me. And all I want to do is spread my wings. Just a little bit. I want the perfect balance.

Take some risks, be a little bad. But don't lose sight of my mind and my good judgment.

That's all I really want.

A little rebellion.

Bri

Happy.

2010-09-01T23:08:00.000-07:00

Flipping through the notebooks, the pictures, the mementos I've kept. They take me back to that time. When all I cared about was being happy. Being with friends and having the time of my life. Trying things I'd never done before, being someone completely new.

I'm not that girl anymore. I'm not the girl who desperately wants to fit in, who cares so much about being accepted by others. I'm not the girl who parties, or drinks, or does drugs just for the hell of it. That's not me. Truth is, it never was me.

I know who I am now. I'm the girl who plans, and worries, and proudly states her opinions. I'm the girl who would rather read or write or be with family, than go to a high school football game. I'm the girl who knows what she wants, and goes after it, no matter what.

Seeing you today, reminded me of those times. Times that I miss, times that I'll remember, but don't wish to go back to. Because, back then, I was happy being someone I'm not.

Seeing you today, made me want to have a friendship with you again. A real one.

Seeing you today, made me want to be happy like I used to be. But this time, I'll be happy for all the right reasons. :)

Bri

Fear.

2010-08-28T01:05:00.000-07:00

I don't have a clue what to do anymore. At all. Everything has become so complicated and confusing. And I hate feeling like no matter how hard I try, it will never change. Things will never feel good like they used to. I'll never be happy like I used to.

I know I have a long life ahead of me, beyond all this. And I know that things won't always be this bad. But it's been this way for two years now, and I've tried to fix it and nothing has worked. And I wonder why I even bother trying anymore.

Why can't I just let it go, why can't I move on, move past this, get a grip and start over? Why? I want change. I need it, because otherwise I'll keep standing still. Never progressing, never moving forward. I want to feel happy again, truly happy. I want it for real.

But I'm scared. I'm scared of what will happen if I move on. I'm scared I'll lose myself in the process. I'm scared that I'll be doomed to feel like this forever.

I'm terrified.

And I hate that.

Bri

First blog post :)

2010-08-25T16:58:00.000-07:00

So, for my first blog post I am going to talk about something totally exciting (Not). The dentist. I absolutely loathe going to the dentist, which I'm sure most people do. I mean, who likes sitting in an uncomfortable chair for God knows how long having some random person poking, pulling, and prying at your teeth? Not me that's for sure!
I literally just got back from a dentist appointment to have some cavities (yuck) filled. And next Wednesday I have to go back to have the last two filled. I worry about everything under the sun so I wasn't told about today's dentist appointment until after school because my parents didn't want me to freak out over something so tiny. I know, it's probably dumb to be afraid of going to the dentist, but I can't help it.
After he gave me an injection to numb my mouth, he and the dental assistant started filling my cavities and all I could was just sit there, stare at the cracks in the ceiling above me, and wait for this torture to be over. And, thankfully, only 30 minutes later it was :) Now I'm sitting here, typing this, waiting for the right side of my mouth to get feeling back in it.

What a fun Wednesday :)

Bri